Home Forums Discussions General Discussion Comic relief, unrelated to AC

A couple of weeks ago, I hit a bird (probably a goose) on takeoff in a light plane from the local float pond. I really didn't even notice until I got to the lake and found bird parts splattered on the floats. Unfortunately for me, someone at the floatpond did see the event, and got it into their head that I must have done it on purpose, followed by making a complaint to both the FAA and Fish and Wildlife service. Despite the utter insanity of this claim, I actually had to meet with investigators from both agencies yesterday, and gave a rather bland statement that went roughly "must have hit a bird I did not see." My sense is that they will now fill in their forms and go away, but it was rather stressful trying to figure out why they were wasting all of our time, and what sort of statement to make, and burned up a lot of emotional time and energy.

So, in the spirit of our tax dollars at work and the mental state of the compainant, I offer this:

I have been thinking of some much better responses I should have made to the concerned agencies instead of the rather bland statement I gave. Here are a couple. See if you have others.

1) I did not actually hit the bird. I was taking off, to get to a secret radio transmitter to send to the president vital information known only to me, when an invisible alien spaceship tried to shoot me down. They missed, and hit the bird instead. I know this because I intercepted their radio transmissions through the fillings in my teeth.

2) The bird was severely depressed because of a lack of tellurium in its diet, and committed suicide by flying into the side of my plane. It is actually the fault of the Fish and Wildlife Service for failing to monitor the nutritional and psychological health of its charges. The Sierra Club, Audibon Society, and PETA have all been made aware of this, and have made it a matter of top priority

3) The flock was caught up in the spirit of rapture, since we know God created Bird on the fifth day which is therefore sacred to them. One of the birds had been discovered consorting with muskrats, and was thrown from the flock and into the fires of eternal damnation in the form of my spreader bars.

4) The bird had been found to have a curable, but nonetheless expensive-to-treat illness. I was selected by a government Death Panel to end its suffering.

5) The bird was not an American bird, but had been hatched in Canada, and was in Alaska without proper documentation. It deserved to die.

You didn't hit the bird; the bird hit you. It's part of a secret government project to weaponize "Angry Birds", creating a missile defense system. You flew over a test slingshot.

Love it David, thanks for the laughs. Our tax dollars at work. I wonder what it cost the government for those visits?

David,

This light plane, did it have one or two engines? When you think of geese taking down a jet, makes the accusation by the bystander seem utterly ridiculous. At least you are here to laugh about it. Is there a board of the FAA or Fish and Wildlife to screen for ridiculous claims such as made by this bystander, and I think if you can identify this bystander, I could send you enough Montana cow dung to release from your light plane over his place of residence to get him rethinking this little ditty--"Birdie birdie in the sky dropped a whitewash in my eye, I'm a big boy, I don't cry, but I am glad cows don't fly."

It has one engine, Jimmie.. You know, when someone comes to me to complain that they have belly pain caused by a tracking device put there by aliens, It is not considered appropriate to order a CAT scan but rather a psych consult. You'd think these agencies could have a similar capability.

In ER's around here, that patient would get a CAT scan first, then the psych consult.

I don't know about Alaska, but in the Pacific Northwest, the government officials have absolutely no sense of humor about their jobs.

If you are questioned by one of them for anything, you say "Good morning sir. Is something wrong?" And then you proceed as blandly as possible, because smart remarks will land you in the pokey.

Uh oh. I hit a squirrel last week (who was playing "chicken" with one of my tires). Does anyone know what agency I should surrender to?

West Virginia Department of Roadkill....you hit the mascot...

Tom, that is what I found. My humor is reserved for those I know would appreciate it. For the others it was my best poker face and a statement I had carefully drafted and reviewed with the lawyer from the Aircraft Owner's and Pilot's Association.

BTW, I found that to be lifesaving. I tend to blather when stressed. I was prepared for the FAA guys, but the F&WS service walked up cold and started quoting some migratory bird act, and more or less saying it "he had the discretion to make if go a lot easier on me" if I opened up and started confessing my sins. Having a statement in which I was confident that I could just hand to him with a "no further comment" relieved a whole lot of stress, and kept me from getting diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the brain. It our universe, there are innumerable opportunities to find oneself in a similar situation, from Medicare audits to Medical board complaints. It is really hard to resist opening up and refuting everything (especially when it is crazy.) Based on this experience, DON'T. Send them away, and take your time. My statement started long and detailed, and after thought and review and council got shorter and shorter until it was two short paragraphs long. As the lawyer said, "Silence is a friend who will never desert you".

What is the penalty for hitting a goose in Alaska?

He was not specific. I did not explore the subject further. However, it is a Federal crime, you know, so the same applies to you. I can only suspect it involves hot irons and a lot of screaming, however...

David,
There is a phenomena around here on the uninhabited back roads, to swerve and hit the gophers --I hear it said.
There also is the intentional handling of prairie rattlers as well-no real experience, just stories from the ER docs--they have a formula consisting of the tattoo to teeth ratio integrated with alcohol level to determine if it is likely a dry bite or not.
Is there a similar phenomena in Alaska, I realize there are likely more inhabitants with piloting skills than most places, just because of the terrain--but is there a subset of the population that intentionally chew up birds with their airplane engine propellors?

I agree with Tom, many federal officials have a lack of humor. Here are possible outcomes

RESPONSE 1) You are clearly delusional, thus you should loose your pilots and medical license and be sent to the nearest loony bin.
RESPONSE 2) Partly answer 1, while not clearly delusional, you probably lack the good judgement to have either license, we will not send you to the loony bin but long outpatient therapy.
RESPONSE 3) Oh, you are one of the religious extremists, we need to see whether you have a compound and are holding any birds captive. Lets bring in FBI and SWAT.
RESPONSE 4) Then I must see your secret death squad paperwork. Otherwise you are impersonating a federal official, which is a crime and you will be incarcerated.
RESPONSE 5) You are guilty. You will be punished to the full extent of the law. The residence of the bird was not in question but rather your lack of remorse would suggest it was intentional. You will be incarcerated in Guantanamo awaiting military trial to some unknown date.

Well, there undoubtedly would be, except for one teensy detail: People love their airplanes, like the guy in the backwoods who has his '05 F250 tricked out with 16 chrome headlights, a metallic orange paint job with racing stripes, and a suede bed for his dog. Ya just ain't gonna let nothing hurt that muttha.... Plus, airplanes are very delicate when abused. There is a mandatory service bulletin that requires an almost complete engine teardown and inspection with any significant prop strike, for example, to the tune of $10,000 plus.

And, Wendell, thanks a lot. That makes me rest so much easier :-)

David and Wendell-

I don't really mean to be a wet blanket, but I have personal experience with the official folks, and I can tell you it is not much to laugh about.

But on this board, we are safe... Except, I'm sure you are aware that all keystrokes on the internet are kept in a huge computer in Silver Springs MD. or Ft. Collins CO or some such place, and can be summoned up to get you at any time the President sees fit.

Tom

Tom, I am as paranoid as the rest, and a part of this tale is not funny at all. Even here with you, I am careful of what I put down. Honest to God, the F&W guy flashed a badge, and had handcuffs strapped to his belt, and identified himself as "Special Agent" something or other. I am not sure about a weapon. I am pretty comfortable with our humor... we have not yet sunk so low that is a crime (except in airports), at least I think so. But it does encourage me to continue to keep a low profile. One reason I am out of Medicare/caid.

Tom and David
While my remarks were tongue in cheek, they also were not far from a potential reality and could be a reality under the wrong set of circumstances. It is not paranoia, but rather an alternate way of viewing the world that is not that far fetched.

Being African American in Chicago makes one realize that it is very easy to be considered guilty until proven innocent. It's not paranoia, it's considering all the options and treading carefully.

Well, if nothing else, it is worth a new avatar.

David,
Is your avatar the culprit??

The very same!